my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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