You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
