Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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