Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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