Where is the hickey?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
