OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I didn't notice because vodka
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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