I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
