one two three fourrrrnication!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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