she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
