Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
