3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
