i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
This toilet bowl is my home.
I had to cum in my sink.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
