She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
