I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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