I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
