I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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