he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
