My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
sick fucks of a feather flock together
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
