I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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