now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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