A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
