he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
