This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
