Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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