his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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