I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
