Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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