Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
