Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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