You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
