worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
