Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
