things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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