Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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