hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
