dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Is it because I queefed?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
