Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
