My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
