My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
