There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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