If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You can't just leave with hair like that
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
