i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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