My friends, they love my intelligence
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
