My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
