Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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