Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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