I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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