U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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