we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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