Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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