I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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